So about that…

Well, looky here.

I had decided for a minute that blogs are stupid; the world doesn’t need to know my business. And then I really started missing writing about what was going on in my life, outside of a very personal handwritten journal. I appreciate my close friends’ input on what I have to say, and keeping in touch this way with distant friends (miss you Keels!).

So, in case you were wondering, the divorce is still on, and I’m still living with my parents. Tiegan is adjusting really well so far. She has her moments, the occasional meltdown or misunderstanding (mostly about the fact that Gram & Boppy’s house is now also Mommy’s house, and the house that was once Mommy & Daddy’s house, is now only Daddy’s house). The worst part is getting her to sleep. Her routine is all screwed up because her time is spread out between 3 households every week. That’s going to be one of the hardest things to get around.

Oh, and I’m still seeking a job. I have a couple close leads – just money-makers in the meantime until I can save up, do some more research on the photography thing, and start back up with that. I can’t do it without a partner, though, so I’ll really have to find someone I trust and get along with. And I need to make it a point to spend more time with creative people!

To be honest, I am an ever positive person and I am always looking at the bright side. I am concentrating deeply on doing what’s best for myself and Tiegan, and that’s keeping my mind pretty busy. Sometimes I still need a heavy distraction, because obviously a divorce is serious. I hate wondering what Jason’s doing, and who he’s with, especially females. But I can’t help it. You can’t just turn off 3+ years of closeness. There’s no “off” button, believe me – I’ve tried finding it. It’s not there.

It wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t stuck at home, with my parents, while he went out and partied up with old friends (as if I had been holding him back this whole time). But I am here, being reminded to clean my room and put my laundry away like I’m 16 again. I’m also working very hard at proving my adulthood to my parents by showing I won’t tolerate being spoken to like a child (especially in front of my OWN child), without seeming rebellious.

I’ve got a trip to South Haven planned for this weekend with a friend, so maybe that will do me some good. Unfortunately though, my unpredictable “that time of the month” came just in time so I will feel like a big fatty in my bathing suit. Yay!

Anywho… this has been a long enough blog. Until next time…

 

Just so you know…

Lots of people have asking me how I’ve been lately. I seem to have dropped off the face of the planet, I guess??

To clear some things up…

1. Jason & I are separated, there is an impending divorce. If you are curious as to why, although it may not be any of your business, send me a message.

2. I am living at my parents’ house for the time being. If you want the address or phone number, just let me know.

3. It’s a little strange to be living this way after being used to something for so long, but I’m not dying in agony over this. An ever-optimistic person, I see the bright side of things and it’s a quality I will never dismiss. I am fine.

4. I am putting Aria Designs on hold for a while to straighten out my priorities in life and to make sure my daughter gets everything she needs. In the meantime, I will find a “real” job. Someday I will make a comeback as a photographer & graphic designer, likely with a new business name altogether. The photography studio downtown is empty and any work I may pursue in the near future will be rare and on-location only. If you are interested in having work done, please only inquire if you intend to follow through. [no more friends & family discounts, sorry]

5. Am I bitter? No. Have I lost my sweetness? No. Am I growing closer to attaining a true outward representation of my real self? Yes.

 

You can say that again.

Well, here I am, all settled in @ mom and dad’s house. It’s not so bad. I get the finished basement all to myself, and use of their lovely new high-efficiency washer & dryer. Free wireless internet. Still getting used to not being the ruler of my own roost, having my own kitchen and my own bathrooms, my own places for things and my own way of living. That might wear off in time; maybe it’s a good thing, because the excitement of “playing house” can only return when I get my own place! Hopefully in the next few months, that can happen. Most likely just a small apartment, but better than nothing.

I’ve sent job applications to 4 places now, and haven’t heard back from any of them. All receptionist / office assistant type jobs. I figure I’m best suited for something like that. Briefly thought about waitressing or tending bar. Heck no, I’m too clumsy and nervously forgetful for that. How do servers take a 10-person order without writing anything down?! I will always be amazed at that.

I am starting to feel antsy. Sometimes I talk my mind into believing I am busy-busy-busy, but really I’m not. I just have so many things going on in my head, that I always feel stressed out, like I’m moving onto the next thing before I was ever completely finished with the first.

I guess I’m all out of things to blog about.

 

Could it be worse?

Well, I’m on the hunt for a job & an apartment.

The photography business isn’t working out; I’m moving out of the studio by the end of the week. Jason & I are going to try living separately for a while, so I need to find a full time job and my own apartment in the next couple months — going to try for sooner.

I guess I don’t really know what to say. Of course I’m in turmoil over the whole thing, but I have to push myself through. This will be a great test of my durability for life.

 

Me.

I’ve begun to discover that my life needs to start changing. It’s liberating, and exciting… but also makes me a bit melancholy over the whole thing. I could have been doing better, working harder, standing up for myself all along. I vow to start doing these things now. It may be difficult for me, so I’ll take all the encouragement I can get.

I realize I’m being extremely vague. But I have to be, because it isn’t just about one aspect of my life in particular. It’s everything.

I promise myself to be a better person for myself and to try not to be selfish for doing what is right for myself.

 

Tornado Watch

I finally caved and got myself a swimsuit. Just the right amount of coverage, and I can still get a tan (an odd-shaped one).

And this is the only photo I have… Tiegan was stuck in her floaty boat. (Killer arms, right?)

We lived a little on the dangerous side of life yesterday. We went swimming in mom’s pool (sunshine and all) despite the tornado watch sweeping mid-Michigan. It was soooo refreshing; I had forgotten how amazing I feel after a little swim.

 

Aqua

I’m glad I blogged my to-do list yesterday. I finished nearly everything on it, except for cleaning Tiegan’s room. I let her do that on her own of course. She has a habit of scattering more toys than she plays with (doesn’t every 2 year old?), but she’s also very good about picking everything up on her own accord, without being scolded or forced… for the most part.

We inflated the $5 pool we got last year on clearance, finally!!

Is it a little nerdy that I bought that swimsuit for her, mainly because I knew the bright colors would really pop in our summer photos?

 

Work time fun.

My to-do list has been postponed until today. I wasn’t feeling well yesterday, ended up taking a nice refreshing nap. But by the time I awoke, the day was pretty much over.

SO, my motivation to get some things done is to check in tomorrow and report my success. I’ve pared down what really needs to get done, since I only have until 4 then I’m picking up Tiegan.

1. Dishes
2. Laundry (as much as I can)
3. Dust
4. Vacuum
5. Rearrange Bedroom
6. Pick up Toys in Tiegan’s room

I wish the sun would come out today. I need a little help in the mood department. We’ve got that pre-storm stagnant air.

Have a good Thursday.

 

Accomplishments…

… I hope to make today, or in the very near future.
Some are very specific tasks, some are promises to myself more than anything.

1. Hang shelves in the bathroom.
2. Paint cabinet doors & hang them in the bathroom.
3. Sew curtain panel to fit front of bathroom vanity; attach to vanity.
4. Pick up toys & vacuum house.
5. Dust entertainment center.
6. Organize laundry room & laundry storage (Jason is helping me with this one whether he likes it or not.)
7. Eat less Swiss Cake Rolls.
8. Do the dishes.
9. Clean litterbox.
10. Raid garage for shelf-like furniture usable in the bedroom.
11. Buy that 135mm lens from Jeanne (I am such a tightwad, I have trouble parting with $50 for a lens that should be $400, she is being more than generous).
12. Shoot 100% in RAW from now on, always, no exceptions.
13. Demand excellence.

 

Photo-Loaded Post.

I am filling this entry with photos that depict things that make me feel good. [these photos aren't done by me; just did a flickr search of things I like. I encourage my readers to do the same!]